i love you! ahi tuna and curried couscous served on a bed of decorative lettuce, um, yeah...i heart you!
6.30.2008
6.27.2008
Why I’m in Love with my Family (friday list it!)
1. Papa playing ‘Tickle Bug’
2. The girls mimicking Papa playing ‘Tickle Bug’ (sound ensues: ging a ding)
3. Hannah helping Papa water their plants
4. Bedtime rituals
5. Sweet earnest hugs
6. How excited the girls are to see our friends ‘Uncle J-Cup’!, Jennifer&Elijah&Zoe, and all the rest of ya!
7. Saturday mornings in bed --- all cuddly sweet
8. Me: How old are you?
Clem: I’m FREEEEE!
Me: No, you’re two
Clem: No, I’m FREEEE!
9. Hannah: Mama, can I cut these pictures for my collection?
Me: What collection?
Hannah: My collection of pretty pictures. Like you have.
10. Excitement and ‘yays!’ over little things
11. The girls and their adoration of Nana&Poppi
12. Papa&Hannah playing trains
13. The girls making us ‘food’
14. Clem’s love of ‘driving’
15. Clem saying ‘binoculars’ and ‘this is delicious’ last night
16. Hannah saying ‘I’m so proud of you, BabyGirl’ to Clem when she successfully uses the potty
17. Hannah snuzzling my face, Papa’s face, and trying to snuzzle Clem’s
18. FishyKittyBoyGoodKittyBoy
19. His tolerance of the girls and their wild energy around him
20. Papa’s love of Fish, making him a ‘snug retreat’, referencing his ‘kitty kisses’
21. Weekend breakfast
22. Watching ‘Spongebob’ together
23. Hannah’s chin
24. Clem’s cheeks
25. Hannah’s fashion choices
26. How dirty they get
27. Their willingness to play with Play Do, Mr. Potato Head, and color with me
28. Eating bacon together!
29. Their love of each other
30. Singing together
31. Loving music and dancing
32. Clem being ‘spicy’
33. Hannah on the computer
34. Papa being so excited to see them when he gets home
35. Their excitement to see me when I get home
36. How contagious excitement is with them
37. Bubble-blowing sunny days
2. The girls mimicking Papa playing ‘Tickle Bug’ (sound ensues: ging a ding)
3. Hannah helping Papa water their plants
4. Bedtime rituals
5. Sweet earnest hugs
6. How excited the girls are to see our friends ‘Uncle J-Cup’!, Jennifer&Elijah&Zoe, and all the rest of ya!
7. Saturday mornings in bed --- all cuddly sweet
8. Me: How old are you?
Clem: I’m FREEEEE!
Me: No, you’re two
Clem: No, I’m FREEEE!
9. Hannah: Mama, can I cut these pictures for my collection?
Me: What collection?
Hannah: My collection of pretty pictures. Like you have.
10. Excitement and ‘yays!’ over little things
11. The girls and their adoration of Nana&Poppi
12. Papa&Hannah playing trains
13. The girls making us ‘food’
14. Clem’s love of ‘driving’
15. Clem saying ‘binoculars’ and ‘this is delicious’ last night
16. Hannah saying ‘I’m so proud of you, BabyGirl’ to Clem when she successfully uses the potty
17. Hannah snuzzling my face, Papa’s face, and trying to snuzzle Clem’s
18. FishyKittyBoyGoodKittyBoy
19. His tolerance of the girls and their wild energy around him
20. Papa’s love of Fish, making him a ‘snug retreat’, referencing his ‘kitty kisses’
21. Weekend breakfast
22. Watching ‘Spongebob’ together
23. Hannah’s chin
24. Clem’s cheeks
25. Hannah’s fashion choices
26. How dirty they get
27. Their willingness to play with Play Do, Mr. Potato Head, and color with me
28. Eating bacon together!
29. Their love of each other
30. Singing together
31. Loving music and dancing
32. Clem being ‘spicy’
33. Hannah on the computer
34. Papa being so excited to see them when he gets home
35. Their excitement to see me when I get home
36. How contagious excitement is with them
37. Bubble-blowing sunny days
6.24.2008
Yeah, You’re Right, You Don’t Know Me Anymore
Funny to think that this is what it comes down to. Trust. The truth of the matter is that we’re all culprits here. We ALL say provocative, crass, outlandish things to one another ABOUT one another. We All do. Frankly, I have shit about each of you, ON each of you, and I know for a fact that you can say the same about me. These are the friends we have become. And it’s like high school all over again.
Who’s saying what to whom, and when and why? Frankly, it doesn’t really matter. Some of my friends are caustic, some are brass and often offensive, some petty at times, but we are ALL entertaining, and in constant need to be entertaining. At what point do we realize that unless the specific words: THIS IS A SECRET, DO NOT SHARE THIS WITH ANYONE comes out of your mouth, then it is treated as information. We are always sharing thoughts, news, statuses, hearsay, whatever we can find about one another. This is just what we do.
Is it sometimes hurtful? Does it feel like a warzone ‘save yourselves!’ thing? YES, because we are ALSO insecure people that want to be liked and validated. I feel like the thing that has to be said now, is that regardless of all this cattiness, I believe us to always have the best intentions *somewhere deep down*. We are compassionate people that do genuinely love one another, despite our laundry list of faults we keep on each other.
Is this juvenile? Probably. Do some of us want to stop this circus ring and get out? Sure, I know that we all go through some form of ‘well, if that’s how it is, then forget it!’ from time to time.
So yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have said anything, but it’s silly to think that I was the only one who did. Or that me saying something was the instigator of this drama --- no, I’m afraid not. There has been a nice hot stew brimming in many many households, anxiously awaiting a chance to boil over.
It is deeply hurtful to distill this situation down and say that this is my sole characteristic in life. If I felt like there was a whisper of a chance that I could have the time to ‘explain myself’ then I would. There’s no hope for that. You are still questioning my motives, my ‘core values’, who I am. So you’re right, I can’t make this work either with those questions mulling around in your head. When doubts keep coming up, and there is no benefit to be found, then it is gone.
If only we could spread some compassion around, and see that we’re all alike here, vascillating between fun/exciting/sometimes gossipy and sensitive/sweet/loving/introspective, then I feel like we could sit together, and see each other truly.
Who’s saying what to whom, and when and why? Frankly, it doesn’t really matter. Some of my friends are caustic, some are brass and often offensive, some petty at times, but we are ALL entertaining, and in constant need to be entertaining. At what point do we realize that unless the specific words: THIS IS A SECRET, DO NOT SHARE THIS WITH ANYONE comes out of your mouth, then it is treated as information. We are always sharing thoughts, news, statuses, hearsay, whatever we can find about one another. This is just what we do.
Is it sometimes hurtful? Does it feel like a warzone ‘save yourselves!’ thing? YES, because we are ALSO insecure people that want to be liked and validated. I feel like the thing that has to be said now, is that regardless of all this cattiness, I believe us to always have the best intentions *somewhere deep down*. We are compassionate people that do genuinely love one another, despite our laundry list of faults we keep on each other.
Is this juvenile? Probably. Do some of us want to stop this circus ring and get out? Sure, I know that we all go through some form of ‘well, if that’s how it is, then forget it!’ from time to time.
So yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have said anything, but it’s silly to think that I was the only one who did. Or that me saying something was the instigator of this drama --- no, I’m afraid not. There has been a nice hot stew brimming in many many households, anxiously awaiting a chance to boil over.
It is deeply hurtful to distill this situation down and say that this is my sole characteristic in life. If I felt like there was a whisper of a chance that I could have the time to ‘explain myself’ then I would. There’s no hope for that. You are still questioning my motives, my ‘core values’, who I am. So you’re right, I can’t make this work either with those questions mulling around in your head. When doubts keep coming up, and there is no benefit to be found, then it is gone.
If only we could spread some compassion around, and see that we’re all alike here, vascillating between fun/exciting/sometimes gossipy and sensitive/sweet/loving/introspective, then I feel like we could sit together, and see each other truly.
6.23.2008
bad pic, but oh so exciting
This is only part of it, and the picture does it no justice. Someday I'll upgrade beyond my little cameraphone, and get something worth sharing, for now though, know that I spent the wee small hours of last night..er this morning...working on this.
The hundreds of images of women that I have were all vying for inclusion in this piece. So hard to choose, lemme tell you. For once, I decided to Only include the ladies who could tell a story. I often shy away from the narrative, opting for abstraction. As I'm so in love with the idea of apartment buildings and complexity of people and their lives intertwining, I felt the need to let these stories out.I am taking it seriously. No foolin, folks, there are pieces close to completion. They're worth the seven cups of coffee needed to stay up the days after.
6.20.2008
did you think i wouldn't do it?? friday list for you, jkb
34 Random things I love about one Mr. Blankenship (there are SO many more things, trust me!):
1. His love of his dog --- may be the sweetest affections I have ever witnessed
2. Jam. He makes the best damn jam I have ever had: apricot, blueberry. Yeah. Eat your heart out
3. He hangs out with me, even when I am as boring as a log. With two lovable but LOUD girl.
4. His optimism. It’s there, baby, I don’t care what you say!
5. His creative spirit.
6. His love of beauty and glamour.
7. His love of ‘Project Runway’, ‘America’s Next Top Model’, ‘Sex in the City’, ‘All About Eve’, ‘Philadelphia Story’, and other glamorous things
8. His dowry: silver service, all the top of the line kitchen appliances, 8+ charger sets, napkins with coordinating napkin rings, vases, baskets, bowls, ramekins, trays, GAWD!, ….
9. His voices of fabulousness
10. The way he has infected me with these voices and sayings
11. The way he picks up my sayings and makes them better (that bitch!)
12. His knowledge of feminism and the history of sexuality
13. His love of academia
14. His love of baking the world’s most delicious treats EVER!
15. His love of thanksgiving!
16. His love of party planning
17. How he always knows what the kids are listening to these days on the radio
18. His singing
19. Him letting me nap on the chair, regardless of how rude it is
20. His love of musicals (even though this is not a shared love)
21. His willingness to tell me that I’m RIDICULOUS!, often expressed as ‘Oh, BROTHER!’
22. Him not being terribly bothered by sitting through hours and hours of my music, even when he doesn’t really care for it
23. Him preferring to talk than to watch
24. His willingness to talk about art --- even my own!
25. He’s the kind of person that’s willing to drop everything should you REALLY need it, but is also to say ‘meh, not now’ with honesty when he’d rather not to
26. The biscuits. The rolls.
27. His willingness to accompany me in late night shopping trips
28. His appreciation of the little details
29. His frankness about sex
30. His sensitivity
31. He has the most astute smelling nose I have ever come across. Smells are important!
32. His interest in being a food stylist
33. His readiness to have a good time.
34. And that he could be embarrassed by all this GUSHING about him. Teehee.
1. His love of his dog --- may be the sweetest affections I have ever witnessed
2. Jam. He makes the best damn jam I have ever had: apricot, blueberry. Yeah. Eat your heart out
3. He hangs out with me, even when I am as boring as a log. With two lovable but LOUD girl.
4. His optimism. It’s there, baby, I don’t care what you say!
5. His creative spirit.
6. His love of beauty and glamour.
7. His love of ‘Project Runway’, ‘America’s Next Top Model’, ‘Sex in the City’, ‘All About Eve’, ‘Philadelphia Story’, and other glamorous things
8. His dowry: silver service, all the top of the line kitchen appliances, 8+ charger sets, napkins with coordinating napkin rings, vases, baskets, bowls, ramekins, trays, GAWD!, ….
9. His voices of fabulousness
10. The way he has infected me with these voices and sayings
11. The way he picks up my sayings and makes them better (that bitch!)
12. His knowledge of feminism and the history of sexuality
13. His love of academia
14. His love of baking the world’s most delicious treats EVER!
15. His love of thanksgiving!
16. His love of party planning
17. How he always knows what the kids are listening to these days on the radio
18. His singing
19. Him letting me nap on the chair, regardless of how rude it is
20. His love of musicals (even though this is not a shared love)
21. His willingness to tell me that I’m RIDICULOUS!, often expressed as ‘Oh, BROTHER!’
22. Him not being terribly bothered by sitting through hours and hours of my music, even when he doesn’t really care for it
23. Him preferring to talk than to watch
24. His willingness to talk about art --- even my own!
25. He’s the kind of person that’s willing to drop everything should you REALLY need it, but is also to say ‘meh, not now’ with honesty when he’d rather not to
26. The biscuits. The rolls.
27. His willingness to accompany me in late night shopping trips
28. His appreciation of the little details
29. His frankness about sex
30. His sensitivity
31. He has the most astute smelling nose I have ever come across. Smells are important!
32. His interest in being a food stylist
33. His readiness to have a good time.
34. And that he could be embarrassed by all this GUSHING about him. Teehee.
6.16.2008
back to adam and eve
There they were just frolicking along, having the time of their lives, you know, in the lush green fertile paradise...when suddenly, she looked down and noticed: 'Oh, I am afraid that I am naked.' Ok, ok, she doesn't say that, instead Genesis reads: "Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons."
So when does this happen with children? Honestly, I feel compelled to prolong the happy world of unashamed nudity as long as possible, but these events keep happening, where I feel like I need to point out how NAKED my girls are, and how that is 'Inappropriate!'
Just this weekend the girls were out in the backyard, parading around, dipping in and out of the world's cheapest piece of genius - the plastic wading pool! - and I thought to myself --- 'is this ok?' Of COURSE it's ok. We have a six foot fence, they're not even 5 yrs old. What's my concern? Would I be concerned if they were boys? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would. What ARE the concerns though? I think it's primarily what 'other people would think'.
Yesterday, we were at the family papa's day bbq, again the girls in and out of the pool. Suddenly, Hannah comes in all adorably unclothed, and 'Grandpa' says 'Hey Jaybird!' and she dances around all happy with attention, but not really understanding that he's referencing her nakedness. I think to myself, 'it's fine, right? why be concerned with a four year old's body?'.
So I am opening the forum up, for anyone interested in sharing ideas...when DO you insist on clothing? Is it something that you only do for company, or for strangers? Would you clothe your two & four year olds to run out to the backyard? And because we have a family bed, I have all sorts of ponderings about nudity in bed, etc.
It is quite strange for me, though, raised as a little hippychick, lots of open nudity from my mother, etc. Boys were always different though. There is this part of me that is weirded out that I am even questioning their nudity-loving-lovelove at all! Go back to basics, Gab, it's a good thing.
So when does this happen with children? Honestly, I feel compelled to prolong the happy world of unashamed nudity as long as possible, but these events keep happening, where I feel like I need to point out how NAKED my girls are, and how that is 'Inappropriate!'
Just this weekend the girls were out in the backyard, parading around, dipping in and out of the world's cheapest piece of genius - the plastic wading pool! - and I thought to myself --- 'is this ok?' Of COURSE it's ok. We have a six foot fence, they're not even 5 yrs old. What's my concern? Would I be concerned if they were boys? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would. What ARE the concerns though? I think it's primarily what 'other people would think'.
Yesterday, we were at the family papa's day bbq, again the girls in and out of the pool. Suddenly, Hannah comes in all adorably unclothed, and 'Grandpa' says 'Hey Jaybird!' and she dances around all happy with attention, but not really understanding that he's referencing her nakedness. I think to myself, 'it's fine, right? why be concerned with a four year old's body?'.
So I am opening the forum up, for anyone interested in sharing ideas...when DO you insist on clothing? Is it something that you only do for company, or for strangers? Would you clothe your two & four year olds to run out to the backyard? And because we have a family bed, I have all sorts of ponderings about nudity in bed, etc.
It is quite strange for me, though, raised as a little hippychick, lots of open nudity from my mother, etc. Boys were always different though. There is this part of me that is weirded out that I am even questioning their nudity-loving-lovelove at all! Go back to basics, Gab, it's a good thing.
6.13.2008
itsy bitsy
I have been listing so much lately, today for Friday’s list, I think I just need to write instead.
I have an addiction I haven’t wanted to share with anyone yet…it’s Spider Solitaire. The thing that’s weird about this game, that as Often as I play it, I almost Never enjoy it. Winning or not. It’s just a compulsion ---- it’s my cigarette break, although I would like to think that smokers Love their cigarettes but I have known a number of smokers that don’t even think about smoking their cigarettes, it’s really just habit.
I’ll come home from work, kiss on the family, change my clothes, feed Fishyboykittyboyofgoodness, and then say outloud ‘Sure, I’d love to _______, just let me play One game’. It’s become this running joke because of course, it’s never just One game! And why? Ryan found out for me by reading the rules that not every game is beatable, so after I play it and lose, and then restart it, and lose, I’ll often let myself play a New game. Ooooh, new. Sparkly new…and surprisingly Just as boring! So why? Why is this my smoke break?
The truth is, if I had the internet, I would rather be playing Free Tetris, or Free Boggle or something of that nature. I guess this is just ‘the thing’ for me to do. It could be anything I suppose. Once I decide I’m Done, I close out and there’s not an inkling of sadness about it (not like walking away from a stirring art project or a riveting movie). I just close the window and go about my evening. There is this unexplainable urge though --- to go back sometimes and to just catch one more game.
How can boring myself become the entertainment itself? Am I alone in choosing the world’s lamest activities as ‘stress relievers’, and can I even categorize this as a stress reliever if in fact, I’m bothered by its boring characteristics, thus Causing stress by my disappointment in choices? Bah, I say. But before you respond, I just have One thing to do. Hold on.
I have an addiction I haven’t wanted to share with anyone yet…it’s Spider Solitaire. The thing that’s weird about this game, that as Often as I play it, I almost Never enjoy it. Winning or not. It’s just a compulsion ---- it’s my cigarette break, although I would like to think that smokers Love their cigarettes but I have known a number of smokers that don’t even think about smoking their cigarettes, it’s really just habit.
I’ll come home from work, kiss on the family, change my clothes, feed Fishyboykittyboyofgoodness, and then say outloud ‘Sure, I’d love to _______, just let me play One game’. It’s become this running joke because of course, it’s never just One game! And why? Ryan found out for me by reading the rules that not every game is beatable, so after I play it and lose, and then restart it, and lose, I’ll often let myself play a New game. Ooooh, new. Sparkly new…and surprisingly Just as boring! So why? Why is this my smoke break?
The truth is, if I had the internet, I would rather be playing Free Tetris, or Free Boggle or something of that nature. I guess this is just ‘the thing’ for me to do. It could be anything I suppose. Once I decide I’m Done, I close out and there’s not an inkling of sadness about it (not like walking away from a stirring art project or a riveting movie). I just close the window and go about my evening. There is this unexplainable urge though --- to go back sometimes and to just catch one more game.
How can boring myself become the entertainment itself? Am I alone in choosing the world’s lamest activities as ‘stress relievers’, and can I even categorize this as a stress reliever if in fact, I’m bothered by its boring characteristics, thus Causing stress by my disappointment in choices? Bah, I say. But before you respond, I just have One thing to do. Hold on.
6.06.2008
Friday's list of happinessssssss
Thankyou, Jacob, for inspiring me...
More for my happylist on today's ListyFriday!
- Bacon!
- Nutella crepes with strawberries
- "Bread, fuck you! You have no right tasting this good!"
- Jacob saying 'Did someone go through this magazine and cut out all the crotches?!?!??!'
- Dry peppered salami
- After Thanksgiving sandwiches: turkey, cranberry sauce, cream cheese
- Braids
- 'The Shop': half woodworking/half artspace
- Summer dresses on sale!
- Dalimania perfume
- Andes mints
- When Elijah hula-hoops (he's good!)
- The word 'SCUBA'
- Fenced backyards
- Hannah & Clem singing songs
- Playing 'store'
- Big soft, petals
- Plastic sheet protectors, and baseball card sheet pages
- Warm, good-smelling, soft towels out of the dryer
- Drinking water
- The sides of large apartment buildings --- just windows, a whole grid of windows into people's lives
- Mashed potatoes & gravy
- JAM! ALL sorts of jam: strawberry, apricot, blueberry, blackberry, mixed berry, berrrrrrrrrry, and apricot, and yeah...
- The word 'miscellaneous'
- Death Cab for Cutie in concert! i love how Ben Gibbard moves back and forth
- Arranging images as a discipline
- Mapping out emotions
- Lazy susans
- Games as art
- Iced coffee
- Tallulah, the Courageous Red Eurovan
- Hannah constantly renaming her dolls
- The girls' daily desire to wear dresses
- Unexpected gifts (no matter how small)
- Finding notes of sweetness
- Feeling soooo darned inspired, that I have the NEED to write something down. Write it down!
- When those inspired thoughts still seem meaningful in the morning
- Believing in rituals of change
- Coffee dates
- Choosing the right font
- Working on the weekends --- it's like a quiet quiet party: Jeans, music, get work done!yeah...goodtimes
- Noticing when my friends have picked up my lingo
- Noticing when I have picked up my friends' lingo
- Dreaming up names for my memoir
- New petphrases - this week's winner: add .com to everything! everything.com, happylist.com, iloveyou.com
- Junior Miss Champion of the World! Junior Miss Idaho of 1982, Junior Miss Campbell's Soup
- Jeff Koons
- Breakfast for dinner
- Quiche
- Most words that begin with 'q'
- Those cylindrical straw dispensers where you pull up on the lid and many straws splay out
- Good television!: 'Sex in the City', 'Mad Men'!!!!!, 'Dexter', 'The Tudors', 'Six Feet Under', 'The Sopranos', 'Weeds', yeah pretty much anything made on HBO or Showtime
- Camping dishwear --- like collapsible cups
- Waking up to fresh fresh air when you're camping
- A gargantuan night sky filled with thousands of stars
- Hippychicks
- Magazines! Magazines! Magazines!
- Long weekends
6.04.2008
arranging dot com
As part of my new regimen, I am going through all of my images and putting them in plastic sheet protectors. I have come across so many other things in the midst of my folders and envelopes of clippings: postcards, love notes, personal photos. In case it hasn't been made abundantly clear before, THESE are the things I would grab should a fire occur. These are the things that matter to me (of course after I grabbed my girls, my sweetheart, my cat, and my bunny lamp) --- these chopped up images interspersed with small delicate mementos.
I have given up on saving birthday cards, concert tickets, etc., but everything else --- it stays. This is my story told in fragments, sprinkled between dozens of files. To leaf through it all now is both painful and rewarding. And most importantly, to revisit these images and give them a respectable home so I can peruse them with purpose now ---- that is SOME accomplishment! I find that arranging them on the pages is a sort of artmaking process itself. How tabular! How terrific!
Changing topics.com, I must give a few little shoutouts: to my lady friends --- you's are the bests! you totally helped me out this morning!; and to my sweet - the rush is a beautiful surprise&touching; oh while we're at it, let's go all the way: to n. for being empowered!; to jen for feeling the UP of life today --- woohoo for saying NOW is the time!; to sol&jlla i cannot BELIEVE you're going to be here soooo soon!; and to jacob - in-my-book.com, you rock my world!
I have given up on saving birthday cards, concert tickets, etc., but everything else --- it stays. This is my story told in fragments, sprinkled between dozens of files. To leaf through it all now is both painful and rewarding. And most importantly, to revisit these images and give them a respectable home so I can peruse them with purpose now ---- that is SOME accomplishment! I find that arranging them on the pages is a sort of artmaking process itself. How tabular! How terrific!
Changing topics.com, I must give a few little shoutouts: to my lady friends --- you's are the bests! you totally helped me out this morning!; and to my sweet - the rush is a beautiful surprise&touching; oh while we're at it, let's go all the way: to n. for being empowered!; to jen for feeling the UP of life today --- woohoo for saying NOW is the time!; to sol&jlla i cannot BELIEVE you're going to be here soooo soon!; and to jacob - in-my-book.com, you rock my world!
6.02.2008
fff - stay back!
I am calling it a plague of sorts: this recurring feeling of being 'overwhelmed'. It comes up all the time for me. I get excited about something that I want...I take a small step towards it, and then I see all these signals&beeping noises&sirens all going off saying "HALT! Life is a DANGEROUS DANGEROUS thing! You're IN OVER YOUR HEAD! Back out now, while you still can!" (you haven't heard sirens that say all that?) I always oblige these signals. Whether it's starting up a Women's/Children's organization in Salem, or it's going back to school --- I always find a way to let my Fictitious Future Failure keep me from trying. Anything.
When I was a child and someone was chasing me for Hide-&-Go-Seek, or Tag, I would often just stop in my tracks. 'Ok, you got me.' The humiliation of trying for something, giving it an honest try but possibly failing, was just too much for me. The torture of the inevitable losing was too great.
Of course, I did manage to do quite well in high school and college. Did many things in the academic world worthy of blue ribbons, but since then? I suppose all my activities have been personal: marriage, children, new relationship, back to marriage, work, etc. etc. Where are the goals now? Where are the chances to 'throw my hat into the ring'? And seriously, what does success look like any more? When is the right time to care enough to give it everything I got?
Even if opportunities have been there all along, I have learned to ignore them. Were I to see something that takes ANY amount of energy and follow-through, I turn the other way (yes, I'm thinking of bookslut here, sorry Chey! I want a bookclub! I do! just...so....so...tired). I want to say that these days of allowing life to consume me are over. YES EVERYONE, I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING NOW, AND...HOLD THE ANSWERS TO THE SECRETS of the WORLD! Muahahahaaaaaaaaa! But no.
Instead, I will put this out there: I am going to realize when these feelings of 'OMG, I cannot do anything EVER because I'm in debt, and I'm overweight, and I don't groom my children enough, and because I didn't get enough sleep, my house is too messy, I already have 'too much going on', it's time consuming, it's expensive, it's too far, what will people think of this?, my kids need me, I need to simplify - not add something else, or my job is too taxing...' I will see that most often I am using my litany of 'God, ain't life horrendous?!' reasonings be what they truly are: the way to keep me stuck.
I will call it like it is. A strike is a strike. As I get closer to my self-selected deadline, I will see that all these obstacles have really been there all along, and that only the anxiety itself, will keep me from succeeding this time.
p.s. yeah, sometimes i have to cheer myself on!
When I was a child and someone was chasing me for Hide-&-Go-Seek, or Tag, I would often just stop in my tracks. 'Ok, you got me.' The humiliation of trying for something, giving it an honest try but possibly failing, was just too much for me. The torture of the inevitable losing was too great.
Of course, I did manage to do quite well in high school and college. Did many things in the academic world worthy of blue ribbons, but since then? I suppose all my activities have been personal: marriage, children, new relationship, back to marriage, work, etc. etc. Where are the goals now? Where are the chances to 'throw my hat into the ring'? And seriously, what does success look like any more? When is the right time to care enough to give it everything I got?
Even if opportunities have been there all along, I have learned to ignore them. Were I to see something that takes ANY amount of energy and follow-through, I turn the other way (yes, I'm thinking of bookslut here, sorry Chey! I want a bookclub! I do! just...so....so...tired). I want to say that these days of allowing life to consume me are over. YES EVERYONE, I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING NOW, AND...HOLD THE ANSWERS TO THE SECRETS of the WORLD! Muahahahaaaaaaaaa! But no.
Instead, I will put this out there: I am going to realize when these feelings of 'OMG, I cannot do anything EVER because I'm in debt, and I'm overweight, and I don't groom my children enough, and because I didn't get enough sleep, my house is too messy, I already have 'too much going on', it's time consuming, it's expensive, it's too far, what will people think of this?, my kids need me, I need to simplify - not add something else, or my job is too taxing...' I will see that most often I am using my litany of 'God, ain't life horrendous?!' reasonings be what they truly are: the way to keep me stuck.
I will call it like it is. A strike is a strike. As I get closer to my self-selected deadline, I will see that all these obstacles have really been there all along, and that only the anxiety itself, will keep me from succeeding this time.
p.s. yeah, sometimes i have to cheer myself on!
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