things i can't get out of my head:
caffeine is both my friend/fiend; i am readying myself for august!; kissable hannah; retractable ultra fine sharpies in blue ink; using nibs and dipping in ink pens; magical pony meat (sigh...yeah it's code, but it's cool no matter what you think it is); dreaming of paris; 16x16 grid; cupcakes; wood grain; having my first steak (soon!); economics; turquoise, clementine's sadness in the morning; need to buy a lawnmower.
5.30.2008
5.29.2008
tabular
How tabby of you! Oh wait wait! This is so good…
indent indent (tab tabulous!) >> >> Last night I cleared a space for working in the Shop. I now have a clean surface. I have gorgeous images tacked up --- these are the images that I share an intimacy. We have serious relationship, and I feel like I will be building on those relationships until these pieces are completed. Last night, I collected my many many files of images. They now have a home on a shelf. Last night, I went through my vintage photographs, caring for them, seeking out guidance for their placement. Last night, I reconnected with this inner flame --- this Tiffany-loving (because I cannot remember the original singer) Eternal Flame. I felt it, touched it, gave it an offering of sorts. Last night, at its very end, I could feel the rush of my flickering inspiration.
At the end of today, I will undoubtedly feel exhausted by work&life to attempt anything of creative merit. It is only because I will have yet to open the Shop door and look out and see what is waiting for me:
indent indent (tab tabulous!) >> >> Last night I cleared a space for working in the Shop. I now have a clean surface. I have gorgeous images tacked up --- these are the images that I share an intimacy. We have serious relationship, and I feel like I will be building on those relationships until these pieces are completed. Last night, I collected my many many files of images. They now have a home on a shelf. Last night, I went through my vintage photographs, caring for them, seeking out guidance for their placement. Last night, I reconnected with this inner flame --- this Tiffany-loving (because I cannot remember the original singer) Eternal Flame. I felt it, touched it, gave it an offering of sorts. Last night, at its very end, I could feel the rush of my flickering inspiration.
At the end of today, I will undoubtedly feel exhausted by work&life to attempt anything of creative merit. It is only because I will have yet to open the Shop door and look out and see what is waiting for me:
don’t burn out little thing,
you are magnificent!
5.28.2008
moleskine
i love you, little blank black books. i do. I have gleaned the world's most potent of inspiration potions from you, and for this, i thank you.
in the midst of my wild move and setting up of my new artspace, i came upon my moleskine booty! there are so many of them, each with little morsels of creativity nestled in the cracks between the pages.
this page could have been made yesterday, but in fact it's three years old. again, i am amazed that i am still working these artistic theorems out in my head. coming back to these little circles and square images aligned in some linear pattern.
i have finally had enough sleep. i feel capable of taking on these visual mysteries again. i have also found a few artsy things that do not belong to me (clippings that mean something to someone, i am sure). i must spread the wealth. what if this were your spark?
in the midst of my wild move and setting up of my new artspace, i came upon my moleskine booty! there are so many of them, each with little morsels of creativity nestled in the cracks between the pages.
this page could have been made yesterday, but in fact it's three years old. again, i am amazed that i am still working these artistic theorems out in my head. coming back to these little circles and square images aligned in some linear pattern.
i have finally had enough sleep. i feel capable of taking on these visual mysteries again. i have also found a few artsy things that do not belong to me (clippings that mean something to someone, i am sure). i must spread the wealth. what if this were your spark?
5.27.2008
hello, my name is gary
Level 2 in my Shambhala training still haunts me: let go of your storylines, recognize your habits and how they keep you from experiencing the present moment (and receiving it clearly), see your attachment to the world and let it go. All of this attachment to people, objects, labels, routines ---- all of it makes me both uniquely me and also conformingly like everyone else. I mean, I must say…I do have a flair for attaching myself to people like very few. While others have long said goodbye to their high school buddies, their old coworkers, their teachers, the baristas at their coffeeshops, I have KEPT them CLOSE. In my mind, we will always be bosom buddies.
I grapple with wondering if this obsession with people is helpful to the world --- shouldn’t there be SOMEONE that’s still interested in you? Shouldn’t there be a person who will always call you on your birthday (or should she get quite busy, you at least KNOW that she’s thinking of you)? Or is all of this my own dysfunctional way of staying dependent on others and feel needed/wanted/loved? I am sure I know what some of you would speculate. I do believe on some level there must be a REASON that I am eternally connected to those people whose lives have touched me. There is strength here in seeing the good in people and choosing to hold on to it.
Recently, while moving, I kept coming up with this very dilemma --- do I need you? do I utilize you? do we have a beneficial relationship? Sadly, the silver Docs were a resounding “no.” Sadly, that lovely but never used apron was also a “no.” What about those clear plastic packaging shapes that have long since been separated from the toys they packaged and the cardboard backing. Is there value in these bizarre plastic shapes in my art? Perhaps…they got packed and moved.
I always have to psyche myself up for these kinds of weighing of importance because so deeply in me is an assumption that I am attached --- to all of it. All of you. All of everyone. Why would I even consider lessening my load, simplifying, or moving on? I keep questioning. Why choose now to be the kind of person that walks away? Why make it this time? The truth is, I am not convinced that letting go of those boots really bettered my life. Sure my possessions now take up less space, but is it inherently ‘better’? I don’t think so. Am I more evolved now that I have discarded them?
The particular part that is worrisome and IS taxing on my being is the weight of the attachment. The longing. If it were just plastic shapes and boots, and childhood friends it would be fine. My life is really made up of wild wet passionate love for a pink glass bunny lamp though. What would happen to my children should they accidentally knock it over and it shattered? Wow. What a horrific thought.
I think I just wanted to throw this out there as an exploration of the whys I am like this, and the ways in which so many of you are different than me in this case (although surely there is some overlap). It’s also to say, I am not leaving my loved ones behind. I am not running away because there has been pain. I’ll be here, like Gary, attached to you. Yeah, I guess that’s just the way I roll.
5.23.2008
see, there IS more! Friday listing is tasty!
10. I saw some poppies blooming yesterday. The big ones --- gawd -- they just stop me in my tracks.
11. Last night I said goodbye to some old friends from high school:
12. There are times I get IRATE about things, in particular about bread. GDamn you BREAD! That's what I say. FUCK YOU BREAD! How dare you be this good! Who do YOU THINK YOU ARE, sourdough? Huh? You have NO BUSINESS being this tasty. Fuckyou!
friday's list o' fun!
1. I have a sweet fondness for Simon & Garfunkel. I have always loved Paul Simon, and have long said that ALL of S&G’s fabulousness is based on Simon’s musical genius, but today listening to ‘Kathy’s Song’, that Garfunkel’s tender voice is haunting to me, and therefore quite lovely. + Like N., I too adore harmony, so I’m throwing some magical Friday props out to one Mr. Art Garfunkel.
2. I may get completely drenched tomorrow in the grassy seats of the Les Schwab Amphitheater. Meh. I think it’s worth it.
3. I put up new postcards/art cards in my office cube. It’s fun having my own little ‘exhibition’. This show features: Botticelli’s Primavera, a piece by Magritte, Kandinsky, this ultrasweet picture of this man riding the world’s tallest unicycle so that he can reach his lady as she leans out of a window, as well as the provocative image of Joseph Beuys’ felt suit. Yeah, I know --- QUITE a show!
4. I am much much closer to creating an inspiring artspace for myself. I have almost all of the ingredients.
5. FINALLY going to dance my (recurring) blues out tonight! Gonna get ROWDY!
6. We’re going to get to file #19000 today at the office! Yeah, I know, right? WOW!
7. I am officially the SAPPIEST person I know. I think I cried like eleventeenhundred times last night during the Grey’s Anatomy (a CLEARLY cheesy and trite show, admittedly) season finale.
8. I was a calm mama Wednesday night when Clementine expelled her stomach of its contents (repeatedly!). I have puke issues (more on that later). It was fine though. The compassionate, loving mommy genes kicked in, and I held her without fear.
9. I think I will add more to this list…
2. I may get completely drenched tomorrow in the grassy seats of the Les Schwab Amphitheater. Meh. I think it’s worth it.
3. I put up new postcards/art cards in my office cube. It’s fun having my own little ‘exhibition’. This show features: Botticelli’s Primavera, a piece by Magritte, Kandinsky, this ultrasweet picture of this man riding the world’s tallest unicycle so that he can reach his lady as she leans out of a window, as well as the provocative image of Joseph Beuys’ felt suit. Yeah, I know --- QUITE a show!
4. I am much much closer to creating an inspiring artspace for myself. I have almost all of the ingredients.
5. FINALLY going to dance my (recurring) blues out tonight! Gonna get ROWDY!
6. We’re going to get to file #19000 today at the office! Yeah, I know, right? WOW!
7. I am officially the SAPPIEST person I know. I think I cried like eleventeenhundred times last night during the Grey’s Anatomy (a CLEARLY cheesy and trite show, admittedly) season finale.
8. I was a calm mama Wednesday night when Clementine expelled her stomach of its contents (repeatedly!). I have puke issues (more on that later). It was fine though. The compassionate, loving mommy genes kicked in, and I held her without fear.
9. I think I will add more to this list…
5.22.2008
yinyang ladies
Jacob and I were recently discussing why Sex in the City is so good (and therefore we’re excited about the movie). For we are aren’t merely a Carrie or a Charlotte, we are ALL of them. Each character is an exaggeration on a particular part of ourselves. (Ok, maybe not EVERY person out there, but a good number of my favorite people are made up of a Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda characteristics).
Taking from this discussion, I have come to an acknowledgment of at least two women that live within myself (that shall be epitomized by these images before you – Ms. PollyAnna (which she isn’t, I don’t think). She’s this figurine we found in the office of this adorable young lady with her fingers crossed. At her feet are the words: ‘good luck’.) and the other is of a Japanese model, I assume, that was drawn for matchboxes. I have always thought of her as the Naked Artist though, brazen, wild, and creative.
I support people. Within my friends’ circle, I am the cheerleader, the optimist, the ‘I just got ran over by a Mack Truck, and lost the roof on my house, but am still saying stuff like 'the sun’ll come out tomorrow’ person. I have spent too much time apologizing for having a “sunny disposition”, if anything I should be writing a book about how to be like this, riiiight? I am unrepentant about my belief in people, and the greater good. So here is this little girl being my own little hopeful spirit on my desk. She’s looking out for me.
The Naked Artist is the compulsive, low on patience and high on these crucial GENIUS ideas of hers. She parades around touting ideas about the importance of art in life, and forgetting to pay her bills. She’s not really the devil, while PollyAnna is the angel, it’s more like the Naked Artist is the unkempt essence of creation. I have always admired women that fully embody the Naked Artist, even when its cost is great in terms of their lack of social mores --- they’re artists, which to me somehow makes them exempt from many of society's standards, I tell myself. I love that I REFUSE to let go of this ‘label’ as an artist. While I quickly undress from under these clothes of labels I’ve had (vegetarian, lesbian, student), I am shellacking this one upon my body as if it actually creates the art for me to merely wear its label. What does it really matter? The Naked Artist within me is there regardless of how proudly I scream about it. She sits there, scanning billboards for the ideal square, rearranging objects on her desk to the most aesthetically pleasing positions. Truthfully, the Naked Artist needs Ms. PollyAnna --- that little pig-tailed girl is the one pulling for me to create my own space, and to get a show that I can work towards and actually complete some of these pieces I have lying around.
There are more women within me, as there probably are within you. Many of the other characters I have are much less pretty and fun. At the end of the day, I wish they could all talk to each other in some surreal Sex in the City banter schizophrenic dialogue. How entertaining! How narcissistic! How fantabulous!
5.21.2008
hi
I wanted to say: Hello, Out There. Hello to you. I’ve been thinking about you, and how I want to share the iconic stories and thoughts of cleverness.
I somehow wanted to express my sadness today, perhaps exacerbated by my headache. And how I want sadness to be an opportunity to grow, be thankful for what is lasting and true in this world. No more hopelessness and ‘how can this be?’s anymore (well…at least not for today). Lilies and peonies will all be abloom soon enough.
I somehow wanted to express my sadness today, perhaps exacerbated by my headache. And how I want sadness to be an opportunity to grow, be thankful for what is lasting and true in this world. No more hopelessness and ‘how can this be?’s anymore (well…at least not for today). Lilies and peonies will all be abloom soon enough.
5.16.2008
picturing friday lists
1. My favorite tree was cut down earlier this week. It used to live on the Willamette campus, but the space was needed for a new building, so its life was taken.
2. severed
3. Instead of being sad, look at my fishhead
4. and one of my favorite lovely things
2. severed
3. Instead of being sad, look at my fishhead
4. and one of my favorite lovely things
5.14.2008
gifts of time and motivation
This is worth your time. It's a blog entry about the issue we artmakers have with MAKING MASTERPIECES. We can all relate to this, right? The perfectionism in us to make things remarkable, precise, unique.
He writes: "This will correct itself soon - the school year ends this week and I have a show in Edmonton in late August, so I will have the combined gifts of time and motivation. I will get back into a routine in the studio, spend a couple of weeks making total crap, and then I'll get into a new onslaught of production that will finally expend itself, resulting in another dry spell. Unfortunately, knowing that this is coming is not going to stop me from making myself crazy about it. (Only hard exercise and meditation mitigates the crazy-making. My brain, by itself, will spin until it blows a gasket.)"
This reliable process interests me. We all do it, right? You go along making your thing, and you do it all the time. Wishin&hopin for the masterpiece, and when does it really happen? I find that like my dear Artblog blogger, the weight of a deadline hangs heavy. I’ll be going along on a normal pace, doing the same kind of work I always make, and then something happens…a spark! The spark impales my sensibilities and I am left in its wake, desperate to capture it, follow it into the light. I follow its path through the maze of wild virgin mossiness (meh. Is it not mossy for you? My world of creation is: moist, soft, lush&green tenderness) into the moment of INSPIRATION! Within that moment of spark it all makes sense. That light goes off and now it becomes an art to suck every last droplet of every last second before the deadline. Even after finding the spark it becomes yet another challenge to see if I am able to imbue it into the final work. Does it translate? Am I making it happen?
“It parallels Zen. Aspirants seek enlightenment, but practice moment-to-moment awareness. It turns out that you can't do much of anything else. If you sit down and try to will yourself into revelatory experiences, you figure out pretty quickly that it isn't going to work. Instead, you set off in the direction of enlightenment, and when you fall short, you neither kid yourself about it nor kill yourself over it. You get up, re-orient, and set off again. Dogen finally says that practice is enlightenment. What a useful attitude! Before he died, the Buddha said, "Be a lamp unto yourself." Shine the light into yourself and look.”
I love thinking about this. About the discipline of art. You sit on your artsy cushion over and over and over and over, painting your artsy pictures, and maybe ----- just maybe ----- you’ll get a glimpse of a masterpiece. You’ll get a moment of enlightened beingness. Enlightened artmaking. All you have to do is muster up some discipline and YOU TOO can be masterpiece making Buddha!
This is not to say that once you have become a proficient painter that suddenly you’re shooting out masterpieces as quickly as a 10th grader shoots out spitwads, but rather that disciplining yourself to consistently have “the gifts of time and motivation” puts you in the breeding grounds for greatness. The rehearsing of painting does not itself create masterful works, because truthfully, flickers of genius are always a surprise. EUREKA!
I want to say the process IS THE THING. I do. But it is like saying it’s all about foreplay. I mean…don’t get me wrong – foreplay is sweetfantastic, however there is NO underestimating the power of an earthshattering epic masterpiece of an orgasm!
My art process is divine: flipping through glossy mags cutting out gorgeous women’s body parts and then gluing them somewhere. I mean c’mon! It’s a fetishist’s dreamland! When it comes down to it, I’m not usually even interested in MAKING the masterpiece. Just me and my clippings and I’m just dandy. I am making visual relationships because I need to. I pretty much don’t have a choice. This is the way my mind operates. It enlivens my soul.
I’m in it – genius sparks&fireworks or no. We can all revel in our pudding of creativity. Schloop! Schlop! Bask under your own lamp of genius! Your light shines radiant. I believe you can catch rays of remarkableness!
He writes: "This will correct itself soon - the school year ends this week and I have a show in Edmonton in late August, so I will have the combined gifts of time and motivation. I will get back into a routine in the studio, spend a couple of weeks making total crap, and then I'll get into a new onslaught of production that will finally expend itself, resulting in another dry spell. Unfortunately, knowing that this is coming is not going to stop me from making myself crazy about it. (Only hard exercise and meditation mitigates the crazy-making. My brain, by itself, will spin until it blows a gasket.)"
This reliable process interests me. We all do it, right? You go along making your thing, and you do it all the time. Wishin&hopin for the masterpiece, and when does it really happen? I find that like my dear Artblog blogger, the weight of a deadline hangs heavy. I’ll be going along on a normal pace, doing the same kind of work I always make, and then something happens…a spark! The spark impales my sensibilities and I am left in its wake, desperate to capture it, follow it into the light. I follow its path through the maze of wild virgin mossiness (meh. Is it not mossy for you? My world of creation is: moist, soft, lush&green tenderness) into the moment of INSPIRATION! Within that moment of spark it all makes sense. That light goes off and now it becomes an art to suck every last droplet of every last second before the deadline. Even after finding the spark it becomes yet another challenge to see if I am able to imbue it into the final work. Does it translate? Am I making it happen?
“It parallels Zen. Aspirants seek enlightenment, but practice moment-to-moment awareness. It turns out that you can't do much of anything else. If you sit down and try to will yourself into revelatory experiences, you figure out pretty quickly that it isn't going to work. Instead, you set off in the direction of enlightenment, and when you fall short, you neither kid yourself about it nor kill yourself over it. You get up, re-orient, and set off again. Dogen finally says that practice is enlightenment. What a useful attitude! Before he died, the Buddha said, "Be a lamp unto yourself." Shine the light into yourself and look.”
I love thinking about this. About the discipline of art. You sit on your artsy cushion over and over and over and over, painting your artsy pictures, and maybe ----- just maybe ----- you’ll get a glimpse of a masterpiece. You’ll get a moment of enlightened beingness. Enlightened artmaking. All you have to do is muster up some discipline and YOU TOO can be masterpiece making Buddha!
This is not to say that once you have become a proficient painter that suddenly you’re shooting out masterpieces as quickly as a 10th grader shoots out spitwads, but rather that disciplining yourself to consistently have “the gifts of time and motivation” puts you in the breeding grounds for greatness. The rehearsing of painting does not itself create masterful works, because truthfully, flickers of genius are always a surprise. EUREKA!
I want to say the process IS THE THING. I do. But it is like saying it’s all about foreplay. I mean…don’t get me wrong – foreplay is sweetfantastic, however there is NO underestimating the power of an earthshattering epic masterpiece of an orgasm!
My art process is divine: flipping through glossy mags cutting out gorgeous women’s body parts and then gluing them somewhere. I mean c’mon! It’s a fetishist’s dreamland! When it comes down to it, I’m not usually even interested in MAKING the masterpiece. Just me and my clippings and I’m just dandy. I am making visual relationships because I need to. I pretty much don’t have a choice. This is the way my mind operates. It enlivens my soul.
I’m in it – genius sparks&fireworks or no. We can all revel in our pudding of creativity. Schloop! Schlop! Bask under your own lamp of genius! Your light shines radiant. I believe you can catch rays of remarkableness!
5.09.2008
friday flisting fyay!
Picnic today in the park with work ppl. I love them (just so you know).
Featuring:
· My first fried chicken
· Chicken Cesar salad
· Pasta salad
· Meaty sandwiches
· Coke in a can
· Cookies
What I’m looking forward to this weekend:
· Possibly playing Rockband (teehee!)
· Accomplishing an art project! Muahahahaaaa!
· Saturday Market in the morning
· Saturday night
· Sleeping IN on Sunday (best mama’s day prezzie ever!)
· Possibly using the word ‘prezzie’ again
· Sunday Brunch, with special guest stars: Hannah, Clementine, & Eggs Benedict!
· Soaking up the sunshine
· Talking to friends from afar on the telephone
Oh, and I’m MOVING!
· May 17th
· Over by the Home Depot on Lancaster
· Interesting to note that it’s in “Marci Gardens” the same neighborhood I lived in when I first moved to Oregon in 1989.
· I’m super excited! I will have a new artspace! We will have a yard, the girls will have a bedroom!
Randomness:
· I am curious about my fingernails. Someone told me once that the ridges in my nails has something to do with the LACK of protein in my diet. I wonder if that will change now that I’m an omnivore!
· I like tape measures.
· I need to add more things to the happy list.
· If someone wanted to get me a gift, I could use a digital camera. ;)
Featuring:
· My first fried chicken
· Chicken Cesar salad
· Pasta salad
· Meaty sandwiches
· Coke in a can
· Cookies
What I’m looking forward to this weekend:
· Possibly playing Rockband (teehee!)
· Accomplishing an art project! Muahahahaaaa!
· Saturday Market in the morning
· Saturday night
· Sleeping IN on Sunday (best mama’s day prezzie ever!)
· Possibly using the word ‘prezzie’ again
· Sunday Brunch, with special guest stars: Hannah, Clementine, & Eggs Benedict!
· Soaking up the sunshine
· Talking to friends from afar on the telephone
Oh, and I’m MOVING!
· May 17th
· Over by the Home Depot on Lancaster
· Interesting to note that it’s in “Marci Gardens” the same neighborhood I lived in when I first moved to Oregon in 1989.
· I’m super excited! I will have a new artspace! We will have a yard, the girls will have a bedroom!
Randomness:
· I am curious about my fingernails. Someone told me once that the ridges in my nails has something to do with the LACK of protein in my diet. I wonder if that will change now that I’m an omnivore!
· I like tape measures.
· I need to add more things to the happy list.
· If someone wanted to get me a gift, I could use a digital camera. ;)
5.07.2008
why not?
Listing is good, so while it is not Friday, I feel it is the only way to get out the following, possibly not so cohesive thoughts:
· I have been enjoying food (read: meat) immensely lately. Bacon, ham, chicken, beef. Yeah..it’s good!
· I am very tired. Feels like the week has been long already. I believe the stress of looking for a new home and trying to get a GOOD one with money that I have is taking its toll on me.
· It’s particularly hard because it was not that long ago when I lived in a gorgeous house in a gorgeous neighborhood with gorgeous things. There are many things&people from that not so long ago time that I miss.
· I would like to daydream about a Thanksgiving in May instead.
· A Thanksgiving with TURKEY! Muahahahaa!
· Perhaps there will be a wonderful feast to be had to make my new
place gorgeous&marvelous.
· Excited to think about getting some furniture and setting up a good artspace for myself.
· I am stalling on my projects.
· Is there a void of interesting squares to be cut of late?
· Hannah whipped out some letters she’s been practicing. They look sooo good! She also joined me in some magazine cutting, for her “collection” she told me. God I love her!
· I feel jittery from over caffeinating myself.
· Clementine is getting pretty good with her potty training. I hope it continues.
· Beautiful sunshine shine down upon me soon. I like you.
· I am more than a cheerleader, in case you were wondering.
· I love Adam’s post about the things in his house/room/etc. It excites me to know the things that people care about. Everyone’s own personal LOVED items… What are the specific things that you care about?
· Clementine does this thing where she HUGS everything! Trees, rocks, her favorite toys. She smooshes her face in real close so it knows she cares. Yeah. I know, it’s cuuuuute!
· And, I want one of these!
· I have been enjoying food (read: meat) immensely lately. Bacon, ham, chicken, beef. Yeah..it’s good!
· I am very tired. Feels like the week has been long already. I believe the stress of looking for a new home and trying to get a GOOD one with money that I have is taking its toll on me.
· It’s particularly hard because it was not that long ago when I lived in a gorgeous house in a gorgeous neighborhood with gorgeous things. There are many things&people from that not so long ago time that I miss.
· I would like to daydream about a Thanksgiving in May instead.
· A Thanksgiving with TURKEY! Muahahahaa!
· Perhaps there will be a wonderful feast to be had to make my new
place gorgeous&marvelous.
· Excited to think about getting some furniture and setting up a good artspace for myself.
· I am stalling on my projects.
· Is there a void of interesting squares to be cut of late?
· Hannah whipped out some letters she’s been practicing. They look sooo good! She also joined me in some magazine cutting, for her “collection” she told me. God I love her!
· I feel jittery from over caffeinating myself.
· Clementine is getting pretty good with her potty training. I hope it continues.
· Beautiful sunshine shine down upon me soon. I like you.
· I am more than a cheerleader, in case you were wondering.
· I love Adam’s post about the things in his house/room/etc. It excites me to know the things that people care about. Everyone’s own personal LOVED items… What are the specific things that you care about?
· Clementine does this thing where she HUGS everything! Trees, rocks, her favorite toys. She smooshes her face in real close so it knows she cares. Yeah. I know, it’s cuuuuute!
· And, I want one of these!
5.05.2008
eat meat.
When I was 12, I became a vegetarian. Sure I ate meat as a child, but did I ever really savor it? Did I enjoy it? Meh…sometimes, I suppose, but not like the enjoyment I gleaned from being a vegetarian. I have worn this adjective as if it were the shiniest tiara in the land…OH, TO BE A VEGETARIAN. (Yeah, I’m totally throwing in the lofty airy, extravagant voice here)…to treat ANIMALS with respect (time out to say yes, I was a vegan for a while, but it was oh-so-hard: life without cheese). Who am I to decide that my life is more valuable than a cow’s merely because someone is killing it for my tastebuds? If I cannot take down a pig myself, should that not indicate that I believe it to be wrong and should not be eating meat? Why would I put the burden of murdering on someone else? Why would I choose to cause suffering in this world because my palate desires it?
Yeah yeah yeah. Bacon is tasty! I cannot believe it! It tastes EXACTLY like it smells! It fills my mouth and soul with yummy goodness. What has changed? What was the final link that connected my decade of bacon desire to the actual consumption of said pig? Well… let’s see if it all comes together:
For many years I believed that the meat-eaters of the world were unjustly cruel beings. There was a time when I was disgusted by the smells of meat. I refused to have it stored in my house, cooked in my pans, lingering on the lips of my sweethearts, etc. How could you eat these precious little furry animals? Meh. I gave that up. That’s a lot of judgment to put on the world. In the recent years, I have determined that if you’re cool with it, then I’m cool with it. While I would prefer everyone to have some deep compassion for animals, even in their decisions to be eating them, I know that isn’t always going to be the case, and that’s okay too. We’re all human, right? It’s not like I don’t know the limitations of our desirous minds.
Sure there have been temptations. I have always had a good support around me though. My dear friends, Solomon and Nicole, joined me in solidarity (ok really for their own reasons, but go with it) years and years ago. We have always been able to make veggie meals, have veggie holidays, etc. I have always had a fondness for tuna, however, but held back most of the time. In fact, that was my main FLASHING RED LIGHT that went off when I discovered I was pregnant with Hannah. I was ravenously hungry, and nothing sounded better than a tuna sandwich. Instead of wallowing in tears of “I can’t have that” or psyching myself up for a big helping of TUN-O (yes, it does exist), I just cracked open a can and whirled it around with a dollop of mayo. Yeah, it was gooooooood. In the middle of the sandwich, I paused. I ran upstairs to look at the calendar and realized then and there --- I was pregnant.
Lately, I have loosened the reigns and included fish into my diet. My love affair with ahi tuna steaks is something bordering on embarrassing. I also indulge in sushi with unabashed excitement! I have held on so tightly to my commitment TO THE ANIMALS. To be their devoted servant, you see… I have believed my life to be no greater than that of a chicken’s or a pig’s. I have believed my alienation from life on a farm, and raising cattle and other animals for future meals to be a true sign of how I should not be reaping the benefits from their deaths. I have felt inferior this whole time. I am done.
I am a good mother, hardworking office lady, creative and loving friend. I am worth a slab of bacon, and really, thank god, cuz it’s good yo! I cannot tell you how AMAZING it is to taste something this scrumptious, and it’s been here all along! “Touched for the very first time…” This is what everyone’s been talking about! I had no idea! I feel like a new woman! There is a WORLD of life and tasty things for me to have! And I am worth it! I am! I am! While I have primarily given up any lingering feelings of moral superiority that my abilities to stay abstinent, I have now just thrown it all out with this new discovery. Why have I been depriving myself for so long?
Cravings and smells and interest have all seeped into my thoughts enough. I just couldn’t hack it any longer, and for some reason, I had no desire to fight these temptations. I was at the pizza place Friday, and when he asked what I wanted, I told him: Pepperoni please, and um…why don’t I get a Canadian Bacon/Pineapple piece as well. Thanks. Just me and the girls (and a crowded Straight from New York restaurateurs). I just sat down and dove right in. And let me tell you. Have you had pepperoni? Cuz that stuff is goooooood! That’s when it started. In the morning, I bought bacon, and Ryan happily cooked it up for me. No hesitation: I ate it up! Sunday morning too! What does this all mean? Has all this time ‘saving myself’ been for nothing? No No. I was just waiting until it was right for me, until I met my meat. Oh, the sweet sweet piggy that I would fall for…
I suppose I have saved a few hundred animals during my 18 years of being an herbivore. In the end, I am pleased for realizing my humanity in all of this. For thinking about how to be gracious for what is given to me, and what the world already has to offer (instead of having to conjure up artificial ways to enjoy meat tastes: veggie corndogs are my favorite!). I don’t know how long it will be before my own hands are bloody from the forming of meatballs. Just don't be surprised if I start whoring myself for some Eggs Benedict or fried chicken! Is this a change forever? Meh. I’m done with labels. All I know for now is now.
Yeah yeah yeah. Bacon is tasty! I cannot believe it! It tastes EXACTLY like it smells! It fills my mouth and soul with yummy goodness. What has changed? What was the final link that connected my decade of bacon desire to the actual consumption of said pig? Well… let’s see if it all comes together:
For many years I believed that the meat-eaters of the world were unjustly cruel beings. There was a time when I was disgusted by the smells of meat. I refused to have it stored in my house, cooked in my pans, lingering on the lips of my sweethearts, etc. How could you eat these precious little furry animals? Meh. I gave that up. That’s a lot of judgment to put on the world. In the recent years, I have determined that if you’re cool with it, then I’m cool with it. While I would prefer everyone to have some deep compassion for animals, even in their decisions to be eating them, I know that isn’t always going to be the case, and that’s okay too. We’re all human, right? It’s not like I don’t know the limitations of our desirous minds.
Sure there have been temptations. I have always had a good support around me though. My dear friends, Solomon and Nicole, joined me in solidarity (ok really for their own reasons, but go with it) years and years ago. We have always been able to make veggie meals, have veggie holidays, etc. I have always had a fondness for tuna, however, but held back most of the time. In fact, that was my main FLASHING RED LIGHT that went off when I discovered I was pregnant with Hannah. I was ravenously hungry, and nothing sounded better than a tuna sandwich. Instead of wallowing in tears of “I can’t have that” or psyching myself up for a big helping of TUN-O (yes, it does exist), I just cracked open a can and whirled it around with a dollop of mayo. Yeah, it was gooooooood. In the middle of the sandwich, I paused. I ran upstairs to look at the calendar and realized then and there --- I was pregnant.
Lately, I have loosened the reigns and included fish into my diet. My love affair with ahi tuna steaks is something bordering on embarrassing. I also indulge in sushi with unabashed excitement! I have held on so tightly to my commitment TO THE ANIMALS. To be their devoted servant, you see… I have believed my life to be no greater than that of a chicken’s or a pig’s. I have believed my alienation from life on a farm, and raising cattle and other animals for future meals to be a true sign of how I should not be reaping the benefits from their deaths. I have felt inferior this whole time. I am done.
I am a good mother, hardworking office lady, creative and loving friend. I am worth a slab of bacon, and really, thank god, cuz it’s good yo! I cannot tell you how AMAZING it is to taste something this scrumptious, and it’s been here all along! “Touched for the very first time…” This is what everyone’s been talking about! I had no idea! I feel like a new woman! There is a WORLD of life and tasty things for me to have! And I am worth it! I am! I am! While I have primarily given up any lingering feelings of moral superiority that my abilities to stay abstinent, I have now just thrown it all out with this new discovery. Why have I been depriving myself for so long?
Cravings and smells and interest have all seeped into my thoughts enough. I just couldn’t hack it any longer, and for some reason, I had no desire to fight these temptations. I was at the pizza place Friday, and when he asked what I wanted, I told him: Pepperoni please, and um…why don’t I get a Canadian Bacon/Pineapple piece as well. Thanks. Just me and the girls (and a crowded Straight from New York restaurateurs). I just sat down and dove right in. And let me tell you. Have you had pepperoni? Cuz that stuff is goooooood! That’s when it started. In the morning, I bought bacon, and Ryan happily cooked it up for me. No hesitation: I ate it up! Sunday morning too! What does this all mean? Has all this time ‘saving myself’ been for nothing? No No. I was just waiting until it was right for me, until I met my meat. Oh, the sweet sweet piggy that I would fall for…
I suppose I have saved a few hundred animals during my 18 years of being an herbivore. In the end, I am pleased for realizing my humanity in all of this. For thinking about how to be gracious for what is given to me, and what the world already has to offer (instead of having to conjure up artificial ways to enjoy meat tastes: veggie corndogs are my favorite!). I don’t know how long it will be before my own hands are bloody from the forming of meatballs. Just don't be surprised if I start whoring myself for some Eggs Benedict or fried chicken! Is this a change forever? Meh. I’m done with labels. All I know for now is now.
5.02.2008
feebly listing this friday
1. i am excited about saturday market tomorrow
2. i feel dangerously tempted by BACON lately
3. brunch is the best meal in the historyoftheworld.
4. i will get up insanely early for breakfast dates though
5. i have been obsessing over the beauty of wood grains lately. am i so lame that i want to go back the world of woodpaneling?
6. i want this list to be funny, and entertaining, and exciting. i feel that it is none of the three.
7. lists are still good though.
2. i feel dangerously tempted by BACON lately
3. brunch is the best meal in the historyoftheworld.
4. i will get up insanely early for breakfast dates though
5. i have been obsessing over the beauty of wood grains lately. am i so lame that i want to go back the world of woodpaneling?
6. i want this list to be funny, and entertaining, and exciting. i feel that it is none of the three.
7. lists are still good though.
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