53

I am amused. I have written today’s date about a dozen times already. Each time, I was crestfallen. ‘Today’s her birthday,’ I silently say. But it’s NOT! Today’s not my mother’s birthday, it’s Julia’s birthday! Ha! The ninth of March is my mother’s day. I find it all so fascinating because I pride myself on remembering these details in life. Here I am enduring this enormous weighted recognition that there will be no exchanges of birthday wishes. Heavy sighs. Droopy corners of my mouth. I have no relationship with my mother. She has vanished from my life. I have let her go too – at least physically.

As a woman of almost 30, I try to be so rational (well within (my emotional)reason). I try to look at it like Pamela does, mothers are women who have done the best they can with what they had/have. I’m there. I get it. She’s no Mother Mary. She’s no Wonder Woman. She’s just like me raising my own children: inexperienced, tired, scared, excitable, curious, yearning. Why then, can I not successfully wrestle this issue down? How can a mother abandon their children? Even if their children are almost 30, doesn’t she still have some requirement of relating?

Yeah, so don’t abandon me. It sux. I don’t like it. I wonder when she does turn 53 this Sunday if she’ll think about how lovely it’d be if I showed up with loving arms. I used to call. I used to write her letters and emails pleading with her to deal with her years of guilt --- put them aside --- so we could just have some contact. Any contact! As a mother, I just don’t see how this can happen. How do you steer your life away from your child in need?

The nature of this blog is to be a warm (attractive) place for me to process the tartar of life. And oh, has it built up, baby! After all this tapping of complex cavities, I am still amused. Here I am experiencing the pains of life and loss, and it’s on the WRONG DAY! Ha! Levity is sacred! You’re right, Cheyenne, the joke is the thing!