I am cornering myself with this feeling of drowning, of being overwhelmed --- taxes, moving, paying bills, child care, hannah’s therapy, p, r, his family, my friends, getting time to myself, art work, work, parenting, being more active, eating better, going to the dentist, weaning, sleeping better, getting bedtime routine down, living in such a small spot, looking for a house to rent, stress. Stress. Stress.
ARGHHHHHHHHH!
I guess when I list it out it kinda makes sense that I’m a bit stressed. I really just want to ignore it all. Pretend like I’m not a responsible woman. I don’t want to open mail. Answer the phone. I just want to hole myself in the office and type away. Here I am, being a good worker. Here I am, doing my job. Sigh… Isn’t that enough? Why must I deal with all these other things? Yesterday, I couldn’t deal. Last night there were a few moments when I thought I’d be able to be accomplished. I actually checked some things off my list, but with such weight I am feeling again. Such heaviness and incompetence. Can someone come take care of me, please?
Gabrielle, you just aren't doing enough. Some women parent alone. They take both kids to daycare. Make lunch, get them ready. Take them to school, go to work, do great at work. Pick the kids up, make them dinner, put them to bed, pay the bills, have some alone time, go to bed, and do it all over again.
I am not that mother. I am not that woman. I want to curl up and cry, die, scream, and then maybe go to work. Work is fine. I can do my job and pretend like my personal life is irrelevant, allowing my competency to flourish. Eventually, I will muster the energy to take care of things. To stand tall even after I leave the office. Until then, if you want a sunshiney Gabo, you’ll have to call her at the Firm.
6 comments:
but you're not a single mom, right?
it's a huge load, as working parents with kids. but i would hope that you're getting some help from your husband. :(
no, i'm not a single mom. that's what i'm saying. some women deal with a HELLOFALOT more than me, and they manage just fine.
so what's my excuse?
i don't have one.
I think everyone feels like this at sometime or another, or have periods of feeling like this all of the time. Singin' the "everything I touch turns to shit" blues. But no one really talks about it. Hell, I feel like that all the time, and I don't even have the pressures of children, or employment, or relationships, or adulthood to blame it on. You need to find something, however small, to help decompress. When you look up from your hole in the sand, you may find that you don't actually have the weight of the world on your shoulders, however much like that it may feel. Give yourself a break. No one expects perfection (or sickeningly sweet optimism) from you all of the time. Deep breathes.
Gabrielle, if you were a single mother, you would do it. If you had a leg chopped off in some freak wood-chipper accident, you would handle your load. If you had Raven McCoy after your ass, and had to run with your children to protect them, then you would handle that load. Why? Because you're a strong woman who meets the challenges she has. What you've listed are challenges you have in your current situation, and you will meet them.
The mistake I don't want you to make is to think that you're so beat down that if one more thing is added to your pile ("a wafer thin mint?") you will break. You won't. You'll say ARGHHHHHHH! and meet your new challenges.
You rock, Gabrielle. You forget it sometimes. It's hard to see it through the pile of things. But you rock.
You rock.
YOu rock.
YOU rock.
YOU Rock.
YOU ROck.
YOU ROCk.
YOU ROcK.
YOU RoCK.
YOU rOCK.
YOu ROCK.
YoU ROCK.
yOU ROCK.
YOU ROCK.
YOU ROCK!
Y-O-U R-O-C-K-!
-YOU- -ROCK- !
-Y-O-U- -R-O-C-K-!
You just do.
thanks, jacob&solomon! i need a little cheerleading now and then, when i've taken a personal break.
today is much improved. things i touch today will be glittered with hope.
It just so happens, we're having a curl up/cry/die/scream party very soon. We'll be sure to invite you. And you might get the golden ticket...
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