eat meat.

When I was 12, I became a vegetarian. Sure I ate meat as a child, but did I ever really savor it? Did I enjoy it? Meh…sometimes, I suppose, but not like the enjoyment I gleaned from being a vegetarian. I have worn this adjective as if it were the shiniest tiara in the land…OH, TO BE A VEGETARIAN. (Yeah, I’m totally throwing in the lofty airy, extravagant voice here)…to treat ANIMALS with respect (time out to say yes, I was a vegan for a while, but it was oh-so-hard: life without cheese). Who am I to decide that my life is more valuable than a cow’s merely because someone is killing it for my tastebuds? If I cannot take down a pig myself, should that not indicate that I believe it to be wrong and should not be eating meat? Why would I put the burden of murdering on someone else? Why would I choose to cause suffering in this world because my palate desires it?

Yeah yeah yeah. Bacon is tasty! I cannot believe it! It tastes EXACTLY like it smells! It fills my mouth and soul with yummy goodness. What has changed? What was the final link that connected my decade of bacon desire to the actual consumption of said pig? Well… let’s see if it all comes together:

For many years I believed that the meat-eaters of the world were unjustly cruel beings. There was a time when I was disgusted by the smells of meat. I refused to have it stored in my house, cooked in my pans, lingering on the lips of my sweethearts, etc. How could you eat these precious little furry animals? Meh. I gave that up. That’s a lot of judgment to put on the world. In the recent years, I have determined that if you’re cool with it, then I’m cool with it. While I would prefer everyone to have some deep compassion for animals, even in their decisions to be eating them, I know that isn’t always going to be the case, and that’s okay too. We’re all human, right? It’s not like I don’t know the limitations of our desirous minds.

Sure there have been temptations. I have always had a good support around me though. My dear friends, Solomon and Nicole, joined me in solidarity (ok really for their own reasons, but go with it) years and years ago. We have always been able to make veggie meals, have veggie holidays, etc. I have always had a fondness for tuna, however, but held back most of the time. In fact, that was my main FLASHING RED LIGHT that went off when I discovered I was pregnant with Hannah. I was ravenously hungry, and nothing sounded better than a tuna sandwich. Instead of wallowing in tears of “I can’t have that” or psyching myself up for a big helping of TUN-O (yes, it does exist), I just cracked open a can and whirled it around with a dollop of mayo. Yeah, it was gooooooood. In the middle of the sandwich, I paused. I ran upstairs to look at the calendar and realized then and there --- I was pregnant.

Lately, I have loosened the reigns and included fish into my diet. My love affair with ahi tuna steaks is something bordering on embarrassing. I also indulge in sushi with unabashed excitement! I have held on so tightly to my commitment TO THE ANIMALS. To be their devoted servant, you see… I have believed my life to be no greater than that of a chicken’s or a pig’s. I have believed my alienation from life on a farm, and raising cattle and other animals for future meals to be a true sign of how I should not be reaping the benefits from their deaths. I have felt inferior this whole time. I am done.

I am a good mother, hardworking office lady, creative and loving friend. I am worth a slab of bacon, and really, thank god, cuz it’s good yo! I cannot tell you how AMAZING it is to taste something this scrumptious, and it’s been here all along! “Touched for the very first time…” This is what everyone’s been talking about! I had no idea! I feel like a new woman! There is a WORLD of life and tasty things for me to have! And I am worth it! I am! I am! While I have primarily given up any lingering feelings of moral superiority that my abilities to stay abstinent, I have now just thrown it all out with this new discovery. Why have I been depriving myself for so long?

Cravings and smells and interest have all seeped into my thoughts enough. I just couldn’t hack it any longer, and for some reason, I had no desire to fight these temptations. I was at the pizza place Friday, and when he asked what I wanted, I told him: Pepperoni please, and um…why don’t I get a Canadian Bacon/Pineapple piece as well. Thanks. Just me and the girls (and a crowded Straight from New York restaurateurs). I just sat down and dove right in. And let me tell you. Have you had pepperoni? Cuz that stuff is goooooood! That’s when it started. In the morning, I bought bacon, and Ryan happily cooked it up for me. No hesitation: I ate it up! Sunday morning too! What does this all mean? Has all this time ‘saving myself’ been for nothing? No No. I was just waiting until it was right for me, until I met my meat. Oh, the sweet sweet piggy that I would fall for…

I suppose I have saved a few hundred animals during my 18 years of being an herbivore. In the end, I am pleased for realizing my humanity in all of this. For thinking about how to be gracious for what is given to me, and what the world already has to offer (instead of having to conjure up artificial ways to enjoy meat tastes: veggie corndogs are my favorite!). I don’t know how long it will be before my own hands are bloody from the forming of meatballs. Just don't be surprised if I start whoring myself for some Eggs Benedict or fried chicken! Is this a change forever? Meh. I’m done with labels. All I know for now is now.