fff - stay back!

I am calling it a plague of sorts: this recurring feeling of being 'overwhelmed'. It comes up all the time for me. I get excited about something that I want...I take a small step towards it, and then I see all these signals&beeping noises&sirens all going off saying "HALT! Life is a DANGEROUS DANGEROUS thing! You're IN OVER YOUR HEAD! Back out now, while you still can!" (you haven't heard sirens that say all that?) I always oblige these signals. Whether it's starting up a Women's/Children's organization in Salem, or it's going back to school --- I always find a way to let my Fictitious Future Failure keep me from trying. Anything.

When I was a child and someone was chasing me for Hide-&-Go-Seek, or Tag, I would often just stop in my tracks. 'Ok, you got me.' The humiliation of trying for something, giving it an honest try but possibly failing, was just too much for me. The torture of the inevitable losing was too great.

Of course, I did manage to do quite well in high school and college. Did many things in the academic world worthy of blue ribbons, but since then? I suppose all my activities have been personal: marriage, children, new relationship, back to marriage, work, etc. etc. Where are the goals now? Where are the chances to 'throw my hat into the ring'? And seriously, what does success look like any more? When is the right time to care enough to give it everything I got?

Even if opportunities have been there all along, I have learned to ignore them. Were I to see something that takes ANY amount of energy and follow-through, I turn the other way (yes, I'm thinking of bookslut here, sorry Chey! I want a bookclub! I do! just...so....so...tired). I want to say that these days of allowing life to consume me are over. YES EVERYONE, I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING NOW, AND...HOLD THE ANSWERS TO THE SECRETS of the WORLD! Muahahahaaaaaaaaa! But no.

Instead, I will put this out there: I am going to realize when these feelings of 'OMG, I cannot do anything EVER because I'm in debt, and I'm overweight, and I don't groom my children enough, and because I didn't get enough sleep, my house is too messy, I already have 'too much going on', it's time consuming, it's expensive, it's too far, what will people think of this?, my kids need me, I need to simplify - not add something else, or my job is too taxing...' I will see that most often I am using my litany of 'God, ain't life horrendous?!' reasonings be what they truly are: the way to keep me stuck.

I will call it like it is. A strike is a strike. As I get closer to my self-selected deadline, I will see that all these obstacles have really been there all along, and that only the anxiety itself, will keep me from succeeding this time.

p.s. yeah, sometimes i have to cheer myself on!