Funny to think that this is what it comes down to. Trust. The truth of the matter is that we’re all culprits here. We ALL say provocative, crass, outlandish things to one another ABOUT one another. We All do. Frankly, I have shit about each of you, ON each of you, and I know for a fact that you can say the same about me. These are the friends we have become. And it’s like high school all over again.
Who’s saying what to whom, and when and why? Frankly, it doesn’t really matter. Some of my friends are caustic, some are brass and often offensive, some petty at times, but we are ALL entertaining, and in constant need to be entertaining. At what point do we realize that unless the specific words: THIS IS A SECRET, DO NOT SHARE THIS WITH ANYONE comes out of your mouth, then it is treated as information. We are always sharing thoughts, news, statuses, hearsay, whatever we can find about one another. This is just what we do.
Is it sometimes hurtful? Does it feel like a warzone ‘save yourselves!’ thing? YES, because we are ALSO insecure people that want to be liked and validated. I feel like the thing that has to be said now, is that regardless of all this cattiness, I believe us to always have the best intentions *somewhere deep down*. We are compassionate people that do genuinely love one another, despite our laundry list of faults we keep on each other.
Is this juvenile? Probably. Do some of us want to stop this circus ring and get out? Sure, I know that we all go through some form of ‘well, if that’s how it is, then forget it!’ from time to time.
So yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have said anything, but it’s silly to think that I was the only one who did. Or that me saying something was the instigator of this drama --- no, I’m afraid not. There has been a nice hot stew brimming in many many households, anxiously awaiting a chance to boil over.
It is deeply hurtful to distill this situation down and say that this is my sole characteristic in life. If I felt like there was a whisper of a chance that I could have the time to ‘explain myself’ then I would. There’s no hope for that. You are still questioning my motives, my ‘core values’, who I am. So you’re right, I can’t make this work either with those questions mulling around in your head. When doubts keep coming up, and there is no benefit to be found, then it is gone.
If only we could spread some compassion around, and see that we’re all alike here, vascillating between fun/exciting/sometimes gossipy and sensitive/sweet/loving/introspective, then I feel like we could sit together, and see each other truly.
13 comments:
A very wise man once told me that he and his wife try to remember that every comment, question or concern voiced from the other came from the best possible place instead of the worst. I really have been trying to remember that but I know most of us don't and I think that is because by nature because we are all sensitive and seeking validation as human beings. Maybe I'm TOOMB.
Do you remember Lucia in New York? Well, one night I went to the bar with her and Thom. On the way home they started to make out(the beginning of there romance) and I went back to the house(with a dropped jaw). I was in shock and had this incredible juicy piece of information, but I was trying to be "a good person" so I kept my mouth shut(which was supper hard, because it was really juicy gossipy information).
The next day, Lucia gave me a call and asked me if I had told anyone, and I hadn't and I told her so. She was surprised and a bit disappointed because she thought it everyone would already know so she wouldn't have to tell everyone. So she said that I HAD to tell everyone. She really didn't expect anyone to keep such a juicy bit of gossip to themselves.
So, on that day I learned a good lesson. If you expect that people are going to be talking about you, it will make your life easier.
I don't know if this relates completely and I'm sorry that things are messy.
it doesn't matter who says what or that you have shit on all of us.
what matters is why someone needs to go to another person to convey something that was said about them.
i'm deeply sorry that i don't preface things with "please don't tell anyone this". i've learned that, from now on, i have to.
trust has been broken repeatedly. it's what i talked about before. in the past six months there have been four incidences, two were major blows to my psyche and complete betrayal. the others not as major but still evidence of what i need to keep to myself.
i wish we could be closer. alas, i have some serious hurdles to overcome.
and, you're right: in the end, it wasn't my story to tell you or anyone else.
i think i've totally been hit with a huge lesson.
I am sorry for betraying your trust in me regarding Ryan. I am. That is something that is between us though, Pamela. These last two instances though are much different than that…we are social people who say things all the time to each other, but it is never intentionally to be cruel or divulge secrets. It was a casual conversation that came about (as was the time before), not some plotted sabotage on my part.
I see that this will be the nail in my coffin. I just think that I am no more guilty of putting things out there in the world to ponder than anyone else: you, Chey, Brandy, Jennifer, Jacob, Megan, Heather, Andrew, all of us take part. No?
My two (or twelve) cents:
In my mind when anyone ever crosses the line into saying things JUST to be cruel,pointedly aiming to hurt
someone, that deeply offends my sensibilities, and is absolutely unacceptable in every situation. I do not, associate with these kinds of people. I don't think that any of us are these people, however.
The truth is I was there when this "secret" was first divulged to Gabrielle, and the conversational tone of its delivery and its place in the conversation we were having didn't have a confidential air about it. It didn't feel secret, or salacious, or even gossipy. And it was I and not Gabrielle who, unknowingly shared this "secret" to begin with. Not directly, not pointedly. We were discussing Pam's party, how people had a good time,how I was sad to have missed it, and I causally mentioned that someone at the party had said something to offend him. I was coming from a place of "that party was crazy," and not "oooh look what I heard."
Upon retrospect I see how that could come off as rude, and disrespectful of the "implicit trust" built into my own relationship with Pam. And for that I am genuinely sorry. And so it really should be me, and not Gabrielle, who shoulders whatever "the blame."
With that said. Gabrielle is correct here in how she defines the dynamics of this circle of friends. As a relative new comer, I would like to think that I have somewhat of an outsider's perspective, and I can see and hear that no one is off limits. I simply assume that everyone talks about me behind my back, or even that they might in fact have a whole "Jacob" impersonation shtick routine complete with sock puppets. It has been a long time since I have had to "make friends" having only semi-recently moved to this new place. And it is hard not to feel like I am in high school all over again. It is Beverly Hills 97306 up in this bitch. But I trust that we each have the best of intentions and genuine fondness for one another at the root of it all. Perhaps I am naive.
As I hope most of you can attest, I try to always interject a little bit of "let's try to see this situation from his/her perspective...I don't think they MEANT to be hurtful" energy into gossipy conversations, and I have faith that whatever is said about anyone else is only ever shared in a spirit of venting and not degrading. Let's face it, we are all equally ridiculous people, all in very different ways, we need to practice a little more self love and group support.
So, to all who may have been offended, I sincerely apologize, that was never my intention.
hugs all around =)
Way to take the high road, jkb. Much appreciated.
All I know is that we must all be pretty fucking fabulous underneath the tongue-wagging, because we sure can't seem to stay away from each other.
I mean, whatever is said about me, I still get ten invites a week to coffee, so I must not be offending that badly. And the same for everyone else.
This is a stellar group of people.
we're all very fortunate to have each other. i love you all.
Yeah, it's hardly "the high road" it's just the truth. I never said that there should be some gossip-gate like "cover up." As soon as there was drama, I was absolutely prepared to say what really happened.
I know, right? We are all great people. All of us fun to be around. All of us good to know. We are more than just the sum of our parts. =)
Yeah, here is the deal. If you need advice: Ask.
If you want to tell someone something that happened to you: Fine.
If you want to convey something that someone else told you: Well that is conjecture and a little scandalous. I try to adhere to the above as much as possible. I try to remember the little facts, tidbits, trivia, those who know me, know this. I let who-said-what-about-whom go at the end of the speakers sentence. Feelings change from day to day.
If you have a problem with someone, tell them about it. You cant expect a resolution if you don't.
Deal in facts and not feelings and things like this don't happen.
I'll do the same.
Oh! Hi everyone, I'm Andrew. How are you?
BTW I am totally with Pamela's second comment. I mainly blame her. ;)
Email me and I will totally tell you a secret about her.
Love you folks.
well this group IS scandalous, but at least we share some common understanding of where we come from and who we really are.
none of this was meant out of spite, we need to really just be there for each other, and then you're right, these things won't happen in the future.
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