It bothers me to be without blogging possibilities over the weekend. I don't have reliable internet access at the apartment right now. To make up for it, I would like to post a many things today. We'll see how much I can do.
First, I wanted to mention my personal annoyance with ALWAYS needing to get approval. OH, the joys of approval. It's been eeking out of my writing as well with all the "you know?"s and the "right?"s. It's just so.... WEAK! Like I'm some uptalker. I mean, surely we all want people to agree with us from time to time or to simply understand our own reasoning, but I think I'm taking it to new lows. I'm even wondering if someone will comment and say 'You're right, Gabrielle. I do that too. You know?' or 'Yeah, I've been noticing that about YOU, Gabs, you're just so passive in your writing. I didn't want to say anything earlier, but now that you've opened the doors...." Right? Where's my own personal integrity with the statements I'm making, or the choices I have chosen? Surely it's been severely rocked this last month, nonetheless this has been going on for quite some time. Shaky voices.
I feel that this all comes back to this complete insecurity about being liked. The voice of that 12-yr. old bitch in my head is getting louder, stronger, and damn articulate! I keep questioning my beliefs, my conclusions, my choices, the sincerity of people, the hope of the world, my own freaking HAPPY DISPOSITION has abandoned me. What is left are all these questions. All these desires for things to move in one direction or the other, and also have the freedom to doubleback.
Ok. End of first rant. The rant that needed to get out of me, and would like to be completed (sez that bitch), but for now, will end.
2 comments:
Oh Gabrielle, I just have to say.....You Rock!! Your perceived fears and insecurities are something that I think pretty much everyone deals with most of the time. Just not everyone expresses it or admits to it. In my opinion, only the ones with the strength of character and integrity can acknowledge their doubts about themselves and then muddle through them, marching on.
Soldier on, my dear.
Oh, and let's go kick that stupid 12-year-old's skinny ass! I am almost 40 yrs.-old and she STILL comes around and bothers me too. I'm so done with that brat!
karen, you're my new favorite person! let's meet so i can hug you! thanks so much for the support!
p.s. WE MUST GO DANCING! the shut&up and dance at the FEZ rox my sox! :)
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