I have alluded to it before, but somehow going to work is just fine. At work, the rules are different. The people are different, and you can operate in that world with different goals, expectations, likes&dislikes. You are – literally, a unique character, standing apart from your life of baggage&woes.
How is it that I can be accomplished, confident, and charismatic professionally, and somehow not be able to embody those qualities in my personal life? Why have I set up a world in which I allow myself the room for CHOOSING to flourish? Where I make the choice to initiate projects and follow through? Maybe the better question is, why isn't my whole life set up in such a way? A dependable, self-realizing Gabrielle? What is it about work that allows for success?
In many ways, I am startled by my willingness&efforts at work. I have been less or more committed to self-sabotage for much of my life. Many of us peculiarly take the worst care of ourselves, make the leastbest choices, and wield the heaviest hands towards our personal image. That’s fine. Really. We’re used to this. Nothing new here…except when it comes to the office.
Furthermore, this isn’t the job I would have believed to be my ‘give it your all!’ place. I work as an administrative assistant at a busy law firm. This was supposed to be temporary, until I got my footing. My intentions have always been directed towards creative ventures or teaching. Why would this grey-cubicalized office be my new love ballad? I feel twinges of ‘sellout’ ringing in my head.
My glorious, hardworking&creative days at the Bronx Museum was only part-time. The firm is the place I have been the longest. It’s really the time I have been able to sink my teeth in to impress my mark. And yeah, I’m invested. I like the people there. I like feeling like I am capable, and helping people out. I am a 2, after all. I am more than happy to leave (as much of) my endless personal melodramas at the door and just get busy. I’m good at it.
Recently I’ve taken to negotiating prices, terms, and business over the telephone. Previously, this kind of thing terrified me. Now I am this superfirecracker ready to make it happen. If only I could spread the wealth a bit, and some of this newfound vavoom would infuse its way into my reflection, so I could remember even after the day is done, that I’ve still got it.
2 comments:
I often feel the same way... why is it that I'm so capable of getting virtually anything accomplished at work, but I'm barely treading water in my personal life?
If you find the answer, please let me know!
I realize in retrospect that maybe the entry comes off as a bit conceited, but really ---- is that SOOOO bad?? ---- to be confident about my work ethic and capabilities? I don't think so. It's something we 'hardworkers' should be proud of, and really find ways to incorporate more into our private lives.
Where's the secret? We'll keep searching.
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